Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one.
A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out popped a little fly. Whoosh went his sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword. The fly dropped dead on the ground in 4 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!" The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh, whoooooooossshhh, whoooooooossshhh, whoooooooossshhh, whoooooooossshhh.
A gust of wind filled the room, but the fly was still alive and buzzing around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?" The Jewish Samurai smiled, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has now been circumcised!
And, of course, it's well known that the Jews are considered the most optomistic people in the world--- they cut off a bit even before they know how long it's going to be!"
The Retired Mohel
Rabbi Meir Leib, a well known and respected Mohel, decided to finally retire after 50 years of service to the Jewish community. One oddity about the Rabbi, was that after every circumcision, he saved the pieces of foreskin he cut off. After so many years, and thousands of Brises, his collection was enormous.
One day, the Rabbi happened upon a leathersmith's shop. The Rabbi brought with him, ten shopping bags full of foreskins.
"What can I do for you today Rabbi"? Asked the shopowner
"Vell, I tell you vat you can do for me, I have here a remembrance of my many years as a Mohel. I vant you to make for me something nice. A lampshade or something." replied the Rabbi.
"Don't worry Rabbi, I'll make you something special, come back next week" promised the leathersmith
The following week, the Rabbi returned to the leathersmith's shop, quite excited to see what was made for him.
"Nu, you make something for me?" asked the Rabbi
"Yes, of course Rabbi, here it is", says the shopowner as he hands the Rabbi a small, flat, square box.
As the Rabbi opens the box, his small tired eyes suddenly grew large and he shouted, "VAT IS DIS? TEN BAGS OF FORESKINS I BRING TO YOU, AND ALL I GET OUT OF IT IS A SMALL VALLET? HOW CAN YOU DO DIS TO ME??", tears began forming in the Rabbi's eyes.
"Take it easy Rabbi, Please! It may look like a wallet, but if you stroke it, it turns into a suitcase"
Pinnochio: "Of course I'm circumcised .... with a pencil sharpener!"
Decision
Some people claim that foreskins are fun
And keep the 'muzzle' on the gun.
But many doctors do declare:
'It's healthier with the glans laid bare'
So, mum & dad, we say to you,
You must decide what's best to do,
Your son will benefit throughout his life,
As, incidentally, will his wife;
If you make the choice that's always wise
and do decide to circumcise.
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
THE TAXMAN
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
